God's Will for My Life

I am reading the book “Forgotten God” by Frances Chan in my bible study and it has really been eye opening….over the past year I have had this overwhelming feeling of “What’s the point???” about a lot of things I used to really enjoy.  Last Thanksgiving, for example…..I was cooking and baking and doing something that I really, truly enjoy, and yet all I could think was “what’s the point?”  Why do I spend so much money on food, so much time preparing food, for people who have food every day?  Why not put my resources to better use, and invite over the homeless, bring dinner to the homeless shelter, or seek out those who have nothing to eat?  I try to convince myself that it is all about tradition, spending time with family, doing what I love, and yet this feeling nags and nags at my soul…..

So then Christmas rolls around…..and Morgan’s birthday, and then Ryann’s birthday.  We have a party and buy gifts and again I struggle with that (now annoying) question!  I tell myself, our kids are too young to understand not getting presents, we are just celebrating, at least we buy all used things for them….and still I think “What’s the point!?!”

This entire year goes by with this question irritating me on a daily basis.  What do I do?  What can I do?  We have so much debt, that even if we sold everything we own, we would not be in a debt free position to move away and help people.  Most weeks we run out of money for groceries and gas to even get us back and forth from school and work, so how do we buy groceries for others?  Are we really being called to move away and do something?  I then read the book “Crazy Love”, another one by Frances Chan, and feel even more convicted.  Convicted that we have a pretty nice house.  Convicted that we have a pretty nice van.  Convicted that we went to Mexico to see my sister get married.  Convicted about pretty much everything we have.  My convictions are strong and real, but I cannot figure out what God is calling me to do!  I love my house…..I love my van….I love baking and cooking with my kids….I love thrift store shopping and buying gifts for people!  Is this wrong?  Is God calling me to give it all up?  Ahhh!  I just don’t know….

This brings me to the last few weeks.  “Forgotten God” is about the Holy Spirit, and how often we forget about Him.  If He is alive in us, why aren’t we following his lead?  Should we follow His plan for our life in the next 5 years, or in the next 5 minutes?  And then I realize that right now, in this moment, I am called to do something.  I am called to be a Mom.  A wife.  A friend.  A Sunday School teacher.  I am these things, but God is calling me to commit to these things.  To set down the computer and be the mom He has called me to be.  To call the friend I know is struggling and offer her an ear.  To love my friends and family members that do not know God so that they see Him in me.  To love my husband unconditionally, show him respect, and honor him always.  To be an example to the children in our church and truly prepare to teach them on Sunday mornings.  To pray for my friends and family and church without ceasing.  I am called to listen to the Spirit when He says, “Send this book to so and so and do not hesitate.” When He says, “Pay for this person’s gas with no questions asked.”  When He says, “Invite so and so over for a play date and really commit to getting to know them and their kids.”  I feel this sort of prompting every day, but talk myself out of it almost every time.  This might be what God is calling me to right now.  Enjoy baking and cooking, but do it out of love, and teach my children in the meantime!  Enjoy buying gifts for others, but be obedient and listen to God’s prompting!  Enjoy celebrating birthdays and holidays with my family, but love them unconditionally and be present while we are together!  Raising my kids is an important job….as is serving the homeless and those less fortunate.  If I can commit to being the mom my kids need me to be, we can become a servant family together.  We can love others, serve others, bake and cook for others, buy gifts for others, and show God’s love to others!

It has been such a revelation to me to realize this….I find that I spent so much time worrying about the point of everything, that another year has gone by in my kids’ life and I have missed much of it.  I have done my cooking and baking after they are in bed instead of using it as a teaching opportunity.  I have allowed more screen time than I want to as a mom.  I have spent too much time focusing on my own selfish desires than offering my husband what he needs from me.  And I have spent a lot of time praying for myself and my needs instead of committing the needs of others to the Lord.

I am ready though.

I am ready to follow God’s will for my life.  Right now.  Which is why I am about to close this computer, greet my girls with a smile as they wake up from their nap, and make pumpkin cupcakes for Elle’s 4^th Birthday party tomorrow.

Thank you Jesus.